When Betrayal Breaks the Bond
I recently heard a client ask, “I feel completely betrayed after finding out about my husband’s affair. Does it even make sense to do counseling if my spouse had an affair? Isn’t it over?” Betrayal and broken trust are among the most difficult obstacles any couple can face, and they most often show up in the form of an affair. Affairs rattle the core of a marriage and bring a tidal wave of pain, fear, and broken intimacy. Intimacy is that deep connection couples share that makes us feel close and safe. When that bond is breached by infidelity, it dries up quickly in the scorching heat of secrets and shame. Trust shatters, and emotional walls go up as a way to protect ourselves from further hurt. Those walls are a normal, human response to emotional injury. It is also worth noting that infidelity does not always involve sexual behavior outside the marriage. With the rise of social media and texting, emotional exchanges that violate the commitment and solidarity of the marriage also qualify as an affair, just an emotional one.
The Psychological Earthquake of Infidelity
The deeper difficulty with infidelity is that it creates a vast canyon of emotional distance between spouses. The betrayed partner often moves into feelings of abandonment and fear. When someone discovers that what they believed to be true was not, panic sets in. That panic is not only about the affair itself but about something more fundamental to our human experience. We are wired to read the cues, intentions, and inner lives of the people we love. When we know our partner deeply, we develop a felt sense of security and attachment. Finding out that partner was living a hidden life devastates the part of us that trusts our own perception of reality. The details of the affair crash into the heart and mind all at once, leaving the betrayed spouse either flooded with rage and grief or completely immobilized by shock and denial.
The Road Forward: Can the Marriage Survive?
Not every couple will be able to survive such a betrayal. For some, the violation of the marriage commitment is simply too great, and the relationship ends. For others, there is a genuine desire to try to rebuild. That is possible, but it requires significant work from both partners. Rebuilding trust and renewing commitment is a formidable mountain to climb before reaching any real sense of restored intimacy. Do not underestimate it. Professional guidance is not optional in this process; it is what helps the marriage regain footing and move toward genuine healing. Below are a few key concepts to understand as you begin that process.
Let’s Begin.
The affair must cease. The third party must be removed and avoided completely in order for it to work. This commitment must be made without reservation of the spouse having the affair.
Feelings, and lots of them. The offending spouse must realize that the spouse who was cheated on will have a myriad of emotions and will need to listen, listen, and listen again. The offender must also take full responsibility for the breach in the marriage commitment. Responsibility looks like getting professional help from a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist that can help ferret through the issues and guide both the offended and offender into healing and recovery.
The timely process. The affair didn’t happen overnight likely, and it won’t heal overnight. Often the partner that had the affair wants to be forgiven and move on far to quickly. Both partners should realize that affairs happen for a variety of reasons and that it won’t simply heal in a week or two. Couples that claim ‘they got through it’ in such a time are often suppressing it and hiding from the pain which will only manifest itself later in the marriage.
Therapy and Counseling. The nature of emotions, strong emotions like betrayal, broken trust, disappointment, etc can only be ferreted through by a licensed professional. Couples that try to work it out on their own often cause more damage following the affair. The offending spouse is often confused, guilty, and shame ridden for their behavior. The offended is riddled with pain and sadness that is unmeasurable. It is these conditions that necessitate couples coming to join forces in a synergistic way in couples and individual therapy. I recommend both, each spouse needs space to share their feelings uninterrupted by their spouse. Couples counseling is equally important to work through in a judicious and effective way to begin healing.If your relationship has been impacted by an affair or some level of infidelity, you ought to consider couples counseling. I am trained to work specifically with couples and deal with these issues daily with my clients. Begin the journey of healing and recovery in your own relationship.
About the author: Justin Stum, LMFT, is the clinical director and owner at Elevated Counseling & Wellness in St. George, Utah. He’s been working for over 20 years working with couples, individuals, and families navigating relationship distress, trauma, betrayal, and life transitions. He and his team of therapists are trained in multiple modalities and will support you. To learn more or schedule an appointment, visit www.elevatedcw.com.
